Yes, I mean Bigfoot!!!
I have not seen him yet, but I am ready for my first meeting!
Here are some physical stats for adult Bigfoots from Bigfoot finder:
Height: 6 ft 6 in – 10 ft. tall (2 – 3 m)
Weight: 400 – 1000 lbs (180-450 kgs)
Hands: 6 – 8.5 inch (15-22 cm) palm width. Stubby fingers.
Hair: Dark Brown/Reddish. Unkept, matted.
Skin: Black, Brown, Tan
Head: Sagittal Crest
Facial features: Large brow ridge. Flat, black nose. Thin human-like lips.
Odor: Smells like crap
As with all mythical creatures, determining an exact population number is quite a challenge. Current estimates range from 2000-6000 individuals in North America. Curious about that number, so I did my own calculations. Wow, undefined!!! That’s some compelling math. So where do we go from here? Is my math wrong or do calculations using mythical creatures somehow change the mathematical rules I have come to understand?
Since Bigfoot has been sighted in every state and province in North America, it appears as if these animals like all habitats that produce fuzzy photos and videos. These guys really get around, but never seem to get caught. I wonder if they are riding unicorns or using fairy dust to keep from getting caught.
As I suspected all along, Bigfoot is an omnivore. According to the Bigfoot Field Research Organization, “They have been observed directly to eat leaves, berries, fruits, roots, aquatic plants and other vegetable matter, catch fish, dig up clams or ground squirrels, and prey on poultry, deer, elk and bears.” What a shame that they didn’t get a picture at dinner time!
I find their method of procuring prey quite interesting. Apparently, although this has never been documented, Bigfoot will kill their prey with a punch. If the squatch can’t smack its prey dead with its hands, it may resort to hitting it with a rock or stick. Occasionally these creatures get lucky enough to grasp their prey, which often results in the twisting of the head until it pops off.
Bigfoot poop is sausage shaped and big! I mean big! Can you imagine leaving a 3ft long dump that is 4 inches in diameter! A quick probing of the fecal material would reveal intestinal parasites, bones and hair. It has apparently been observed that Bigfoot will wipe its ass with its hand and then clean his fingers by licking them. So if you shake the hand of Bigfoot, be sure that you have hand sanitizer or wash your hands immediately. If you should encounter a pile of shit on your hike, please bag it and tag it properly so the poo can be analyzed by a scatologist.
Best Time to See
Since Bigfoot is probably a primate and doesn’t hibernate, anytime is a good time for a sighting. It has been suggested that Bigfoot is kinda nocturnal and most sightings occur at night when fewer people are out in the woods. Seek out water as a solid place to see Bigfoot. Like all animals they need to drink and have been known to dip their entire head into the water to quench their thirst.
Consider whacking a baseball bat against a tree to make contact. If there is an individual in the area they will surely respond by whacking a stick against a tree.
Try baiting the beast into your sights. Apparently Bigfoot really likes fish. If you are heading out for a fish-fry with the significant other, consider getting an extra order that you can use as bait.
Best of luck seeing a Bigfoot. If you do get a lucky sighting, please be sure to take a blurry pic or sloppy video that we can add to the vault of evidence.